someone threw a dead crab at me
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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