I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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