Moan for me like Helen Keller
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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