so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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