Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
