Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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