he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
