: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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