I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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