Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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