I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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