Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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