his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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