Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
