How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
