pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
