The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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