I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Blood and glitter go together right?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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