thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this will be a night to untag.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
