She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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