my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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