it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
