now i know why i became what i already was.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
