Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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