Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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