I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
