Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
