That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
