I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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