the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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