You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it hurts more in the daytime
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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