can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
