8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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