I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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