Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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