I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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