It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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