I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
