i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
