I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
