i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
