apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
