I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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