And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
