His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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