my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
