i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Couch. On fire.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
