You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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