party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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