Umm I'm too high to move.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
