I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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