The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
