my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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