I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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